Tuesday, February 9, 2016

"Some members of my family are ISIS supporters and i'm expected to join as well."

I'd like 'end Muslim (im)migration' types to keep this letter in mind when advocating for the exclusion of ALL incoming Muslims from their country. Yes there's no easy way to vet or authenticate this situation, but surely we recognize that there are people in this situation, and other situations which make life difficult, that are not necessarily endangering their lives immediately. 

Any advice, or help on this would be much appreciated. I've reached out to people both inside and outside of Pakistan and haven't really heard much in the way of advice. It's a very stressful situation :( I can't imagine what it must feel like to be dependent on your family and have them pressure/expect you to join extremists. 

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From Pakistan: 

Hello E. I hope this email finds you in good health.


Some members of my family are ISIS supporters and i'm expected to join as well.

I knew there were some Islamist elements in my family but i didn't expect there would be ISIS supporters.
But then again,may be i should have.

Any support/advice will be a great help.

I don't really have any friends left (I declared myself openly secular on facebook and now people treat me like i'm infected with a contagious disease)

I do have one friend, another exMuslim atheist. I'm confident i can stay there if things turn really bad and i have to hide temporarily. Also, i can stall my family members for a few months probably.They won't force me to join.They just present explanation of Quranic verses and hadith and *expect* me to join.I told them i will study Islam myself and then decide.

Previously, i would have went on to pretend to be Muslim (fake my prayers etc) till i can immigrate out of here, but now i'm hoping for a chance at Asylum. I can't keep up this pretense forever, when i'm expected to join ISIS in the near future.

On the other hand, if nothing works, then i will cross my fingers and hope for a quick, clean death.

Regards,

Y

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Incredibly heartbreaking and scary situation, I feel quite helpless...leave any advice in the comments section or send it to my email nicemangosDOTblogATgmailDOTcom

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Monday, February 8, 2016

Is her Vagina too Small? (Probably Not)

Hi Eiynah

After following your blog from quite some time now, and admiring your work, I am writing you an email just before my wedding (its next month). I have few questions about sexuality and I cannot find answers to them anywhere, and thought you can answer them. I know you are not a doctor or a sex consultant but you are a girl and you write good informational stuff.

Heh, I’m a girl, yes :P 

I am male 26, and my fiancée is 24. To tell you about me and my wife-to-be, we are in a relationship from past 3 years. Actually it was an arranged marriage kind of a setup, but we knew and liked each other so it became a good combination. So, me and her are very close from day 1, and by close means physically as well. We have done everything except penetrative sex (touching each other, getting naked, getting in shower together, full oral - cunnilingus and blowjob etc etc). And believe me, we enjoyed much in the past 3 years. We didn't reach to the penetrative sex because we both have a very little knowledge about avoiding pregnancy and stuff. And also, we decided to keep that thing for the wedding night (she decided actually, and I agreed). Now, when we are going to marry next month, I seek an advice about how we can avoid pregnancy for the period till we don't want kids. I mean, I know of the methods like condoms, contraceptives etc etc. But are there any other ways to avoid that. Contraceptives have side effects and myth attached to it. Condoms are also not a very good option for us, and its the last resort. So if there is any other effective way of having good sex and not getting pregnant, please tell me.

There are no other ways to avoid pregnancy other than contraception or …abstinence. Unless you want to refrain from sexual activity.. I highly recommend you research the different types of contraceptives available and see which suit you best. Yes there are some side effects sometimes (and much of it myth, as you stated), if you want to avoid any chance of internal side effects at all, then use condoms (unless you or your partner are allergic to latex, in which case, there are latex-free options too. It’s an external method of contraception that doesn’t involve having and IUD inserted internally, or ingesting pills, etc. But you’ve got to make sure the condom is on right, that you don’t forget to put it on in the heat of the moment, and that you are well stocked, that they are not expired, or that it doesn’t rip etc. etc. For some people condoms are an issue because of some loss of sensitivity, but for others that is an added bonus because that loss of sensitivity means you can last longer - especially if you are new to penetrative sex.) Methods like withdrawal do not work very well. Contraceptives can guarantee a high possibility of preventing pregnancy, but even then, there’s always a slight chance, even if it’s 0.01 % it’s best to be aware that nothing is a 100% guarantee. The effectiveness of methods varies, I would recommend you look that up when making your decision. 

The 2nd thing is, she is very concerned about the size of her vagina too small, and my penis too big (atleast she says that a lot). I too think that because she is the one and only girl came into my life and I have only seen her vagina, so I don't know if its of the normal size or not, but one thing is for sure, my penis is too big for her size (or atleast it seems like that).

The thing with vaginas is that they are able to stretch. Not sure how you’re gauging the size of her vaginal canal before penetration…?

Sure in the beginning it can hurt, so it’s important to go slow and not rush things. Here’s a quote from a previous post, where someone wrote to me right before their wedding as well, asking a very similar question: 

"My fiancee is concerned that her vagina is too small but she still insists for us to do it on the first night. I am concerned that it'll be too stressful for her and I don't want to hurt her, what should we do ? How can we make it easy for her ? How can she check if she really is too small? I've told her and I genuinely will be gentle with her but still I am really scared of hurting her. I am a skydiver, by the way, never felt scared about jumping out of a plane from 10,000 feet but I'm afraid of this one thing."

[Vaginas are stretchy and can accommodate pushing out something the size of a watermelon (painfully, admittedly, what was that about 'intelligent design'?) - so unless you are abnormally well endowed, I don't think that should be an issue. If she's a virgin though, first time sex can definitely be painful to varying degrees. Its never as smooth as the movies, so expect awkwardness. Be prepared with lube, sometimes the stress and pain can cause the vagina to not lubricate itself as well. And most importantly, go slow...lots and lots of foreplay, start penetration with a finger and see how she responds to that. There is no reason why you HAVE to have penetrative sex on your wedding night, so let her know there is no pressure...follow her lead and don't thrust it in at once. Don't be disappointed if all the funky positions you have planned for your first time don't work out - because it usually takes some practice. Watch for visual cues as well, she might want to go through with penetration for your sake - but watch her face to see if she's in pain, she might not verbalize it. Keep communicating with each other throughout, and it should be ok. You sound like someone who really cares about his partner, and wants to make this a special experience for you both. Try not to build it up too much, because that will contribute to the nerves. You have nothing to worry about, its perfectly natural, nothing to be scared of! Good luck! :) ]

note: Penetrative sex can still be painful after the first few times…so remember to go slow even after, and ask her how she feels. 

I understand that growing up in a culture where sex is so taboo and hard to get access to, it can be an intimidating thing, especially if left all the way till the wedding night (I get so many questions about pre-wedding-night nerves), but try to relax and take it slow. You’ll be fine. Don’t expect things to work perfectly the first time around.  If it so happens that you can’t go through with penetration the first time… don’t worry, it happens a lot. Just try again at another time. One step at a time. 

3rd thing is, whenever I rub on her clit, or on the vaginal lips (I don't know what to say them), she gets so much excited and wet, and when I try to rub faster and lets say go for 30-40 seconds like this, she stops me suddenly and says she can't have more. When I ask her about the feelings she has, she says that it feels like butterflies in the stomach :) lol. And I have to think, how can someone feel butterflies in the stomach during Sex :) So, my question is, is that the weak orgasm she has or something else? And what should I do in this case, because I want to pleasure her more and more, because she is amazing when pleasuring me (gives me best blowjobs, handjob and enjoys every move) so I care for her in the same manner and I do want to give more pleasure to her. Please guide me on this as well.

It could be that she is orgasming in that short time….but i’ve also spoken to women who get close to orgasm and get anxious about the building up/climactic feeling that comes with…and so, stop right before they reach orgasm. You’ll have to ask her more questions to determine whether she has had one or not. If she has, and you both would like to try and go longer than 30 seconds, then perhaps try again after a couple of hours…most likely she won’t climax yet again within 30 seconds… And yes, the intensity of orgasms does vary…from person to person and within the same person too. Some times will be more intense than others. 

Hope that helps! Good luck to you both :) 

In the last, I again want to let you know that you are doing a great stuff, and believe me, Pakistan is the most sexually repressed society. The men here are the most hypocritical species. Even in the educated class, there are most of them who only care for themselves. I don't want to be like that and that's why, I communicate with my fiancée a lot, but these are the questions which bother me.


Thanks

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