Friday, August 21, 2015

Soulful Blowjobs

Eiynah,

So...

My wife is great at fucking.  Few issues there. The desire to fuck has also never been a problem for her. For most of our relationship, she's had the stronger sex drive. She's also incredibly responsive. She moves and reacts in a manner so gratifying it defies description. She gets insanely wet, and cums loud and often.

In fact, one of the things that I found hottest when we first started having sex was that it was so easy to make her cum. I've always genuinely enjoyed going down on women. It's fun. It's hot. I like the smell and the taste and the entire fucking sensory experience. The act is enhanced, of course, when I know she's seeing stars. She's very "verbal," and it always makes me feel like a stud. She has multiple orgasms more often than not. At this point it's not uncommon for me to go down on her for >30 min. at a time. We both love it. It's delightful.

The Problem: My wife gives the most lacklustre, clumsy, uninspired blowjobs I've ever experienced. By far. For the first few years, I didn't care because most every other aspect of our sex life was off the charts. Typically, after all the standard foreplay, we'll progress to me going down on her for 15-ish minutes, often more. After she comes a few times, she'll very mechanically and timidly lick my cock for a few minutes, looking up more and more often until I tell her I'm "ready" to progress to the main attraction. If I try to coach her along the way, she gets distracted and frustrated. She does not respond well when I've tried to guide her with my hands, and I haven't tried to do so in a while.

Over the past year or so, even this has become a rare treat. I'll finish the evening's entree, and she'll just remain on her back, get on her hands and knees, or whatever strikes her fancy. I haven't had my dick sucked in a few months now. I've brought it up explicitly on maybe 2-3 occasions. She's been really accommodating, thanked me for expressing my "needs," but nothing changes. At this point, I'm staring down a future of decreasingly frequent, and decreasingly worthwhile blowjobs. This is unsatisfactory.

How do I kindly, lovingly tell my wife she needs to get much better at sucking my cock? 

[Something about the way you phrase this that bothers me, the entitlement perhaps?]

There's a huge disconnect between the way she behaves during most every other type of encounter, versus how she behaves while performing the perfunctory blowjob. Part of my frustration, unsurprisingly, is that I do feel I go "above and beyond" when going down on her. I'm always enthusiastic, she gives constant feedback, I respond, and it's all just fantastic. I truly enjoy it, but it's bullshit that she doesn't return the favor in any appreciable manner. My frustration is exacerbated by the fact that, prior to meeting my wife, some of my most memorable, mind-blowing, see-Jesus (HaHa, not really, but you get the point...) sexual encounters were - you guessed it! - blowjobs.

[It is unfair, I agree....that you put your best efforts into it, while she doesn't reciprocate.]



If she had some traumatic experience that prevents her from enjoying the act, I feel she needs to tell me. I could deal with that. That's life. But she's never indicated anything of the sort, and I'm left with the likely conclusion that... she just doesn't apply herself. I've tried coaching her, giving her feedback, but nothing changes. What's my best angle for fixing this without manufacturing a whole new set of issues in the process? How do you tell your wife to learn how to suck dick better? Tell her to ask her friends? Watch more porn? Both seem absurd, but I'm at a loss for more... subtle options.

[I understand your frustration, but the 'she's gotta learn to *suck dick* better' attitude isn't helpful even though technically maybe true...it comes across different from 'she should reciprocate'.]

I need enthusiastic, soulful blowjobs from my wife. It's become a quality of life issue for me. I need it. Any advice or feedback you or your readers could give would be much appreciated.

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Dear reader,

Thanks for getting in touch. Let me start by saying that you’re not alone. I hear from both men and women unsatisfied with the quality of oral sex in their lives. Most commonly, especially in Pakistani culture I hear from women who’s spouses think it’s ‘gross’ to go down on a woman, but absolutely fine to receive oral. And shockingly, this is not the only thing Pakistani men are hypocritical about either *gasssp* .... 

But here in the West I’ve had conversations with girl friends who speak about how they are just not that into ‘giving’ oral…especially after a few years of marriage. In uni I knew a girl who said it was something she was just unwilling to do. And more recently, while speaking to a couple we know…the husband joked about how it’s ‘common knowledge’ that women don’t give blow jobs once they are married. I admit I've been slightly surprised each time I hear this, because I didn’t know it was a thing - but the more people I asked the more of a thing it appeared to be. 

This is all anecdotal of course, I don’t have any stats for you… but what’s most surprising to me is how it varies by region. Here (the West) it seems to be more common among women in more settled relationships…and in Pakistan it seems to be that men just find it ‘gross’ in general (giving, not receiving) - though, I’ve heard from men there who have wives raised conservatively who just can’t bring themselves to be ok with giving blow jobs either. The not going down on women is justified by religion and cultural values of how women are meant to be demure and submissive in bed. Wanting oral which is purely for pleasure is ‘unbecoming’. I spoke to a woman who’s husband refused to do it here

Now, as for your wife, it could be a lot of factors. She could just have an aversion to putting genitals, anyone’s - in her mouth. I was reading something about how our threshold for disgust goes down significantly when we’re aroused…how we avoid exchanging bodily fluids otherwise…. but suddenly during sex its ok. It’s weird how that works….in literally no other situation could I imagine mouth to genital contact being ok…so yeah, maybe her threshold just doesn’t lower enough to be ok with a penis in her mouth. And that threshold is different for everyone, I can’t remember what it was that I was reading…otherwise I’d link it, but they also talked about how some people’s threshold lowers so much that they are ok with golden showers, etc. 

It could also be that she had a traumatic experience as you mentioned…you could try asking her about it openly… but cautiously. From what you describe otherwise, it seems she’s very content with the sex…so its *not* that she’s just not into you. Is there tension in the marriage that could be a contributing factor? Maybe there’s something you’re doing that makes her less into going down on you, are you maybe too forcefully suggesting it? You’re not trying to push her head down there are you? The ol' head push isn't a sexy move.  

I recognize how important reciprocity is in a healthy relationship. One can even begin to feel resentful if its all give and no take…I’m glad you have a very healthy sex life otherwise, but if you’re unhappy about this you need to address it before that stuff boils over in an unpleasant way. You’ve talked to her before about it, so you know how to get this conversation started. 

Have this discussion again, as gently and kindly as possible…tell her you miss her, try to focus less on the act itself, don’t say you '*need* better blowjobs' or something. I can’t imagine that phrasing go down well (no pun intended). Talk to her about reciprocity and how it hurts that its one way, and how much you love pleasing her, and wish that sometimes she’d do that for you. Ask her if there is another reason for her lack of enthusiasm…

If indeed there isn’t any specific reason other than a lack of effort, then I can completely understand how you’d feel shortchanged if nothing improves…yet again. So, if it doesn’t change after talking to her then perhaps you shouldn’t ‘service’ her either, just so she knows what its like. Having it go one way all the fucking time is unfair. If she isn’t listening to your concerns despite your airing them, then she doesn’t need to be getting great oral from you all the time. Perhaps that might change her perspective. 

On a tangent, I’ve received emails from guys who are just unhappy about their partner’s technique. Some people are just bad at giving blow jobs, I’m not sure porn is the best place to learn though. But maybe you can start watching some informative sex shows together? There have been a few on, late night in Toronto…ones where ppl call in with their problem and the host tries to help them out, points them to sources. Is this possible where you live? If all else fails there’s always this lady to get tips from:



I kid, I kid….like …. what even.... I don’t know how she makes those sounds - see it could be worse, your wife could be doing that?!

Anyway, I wish you all the best. Its time you had the talk again…and its time you didn’t let it continue as a one way thing. If however, you discover that there is a serious reason for her aversion, like sexual abuse. You need to go easy on your desire for blowjobs. Just let her take her own time and don’t push in that case. It’s a tough situation then, that you need to get through together with honesty, support and patience…she needs to decide if and when she’s comfortable with it.

One last thought…I know from previous correspondence that you’re not religious, but do you think that residual religion could be a factor for your wife?


Hope this was helpful! If anyone else has any advice or similar stories to share please feel free to do so in the comments. 

You may also find my post Pakistanis & Cunnilingus to be of interest.

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1 comment:

  1. I love going down on women! It turns me on so much! But I guess I am more of a giver than a receiver. When a girl wants to go down on me, fine, but if she doesn't I don't really care. I already have my fun going down on her ;)

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