Monday, March 24, 2014

Wedding Night Jitters - "fiancee concerned her vagina is too small"

Dear Eiynah,

Firstly, excellent work there on your blog. I've been following your blog for a long long time. The issues you highlight and the perspective you bring forward is the need of the hour for the Pakistani youth. We live in a society where everything has to pass through the filter of fucked up morality checks. I wish people would just mind their own damn business rather than comment and be judgmental on every single thing other people are doing. 

Secondly, I wish to get your perspective on some things and also your advice. Got no one trust worthy enough to talk to about this so asking you humbly. Its going to be a long email therefore, please bear with me. 

I am a mid 20's male and an entrepreneur. Got engaged to 'H' a year and a half ago. We're both the same age, very well educated and come from good backgrounds in Pakistan. It was an arranged 'rishta' but became love at first sight since the very first day. Since then, we've come a long way with our relationship and its getting stronger every day. About 5 months in, we started discussing about each other and it progressed to a discussion of personal nature. She's a virgin and I am too (kind of). I had only 2 episodes of sex, that too drunken sex at parties both of which ended up in my coming very fast. Anyways, this is just background info. The thing to note here is that while we discussed and talked about sexuality on phone together, we always got turned on and started having phone sex. We loved it and in the heat of the moment one day, it progressed into Skype sex. While we both loved it too and do it once in a while, I'm worried about it. Although, we both love each other to bits, really we do. If she says or does anything that would guarantee a negative response if someone else had said it to me, I simple smile. And now its settled deep in my personality, I have never fought with her and hope that I would never do it. And its the same from her side, if she doesn't like anything I say or do, she just smiles. And as its settled in our nature now, we don't have any negative feelings or issues like the ones most couples fight on. We care about each other so much that I check up on her breakfast even, that is she eating well or not and if she is sleeping well or not. we support each other in every way and are the perfect definition of love birds. 

We aren't left alone together, mostly its a family dinner where we meet. But as we are the adventurous types, once we were at her place, we went to her room and took a spur of the moment decision to kiss deeply in privacy. Since then, we have had alot of such moments in private, our parents don't know about it. We once made out (kissing and caressing) in my car when she sneaked out of a party. We've sneaked out a couple of times after that too.

We've discussed how our first night would be and what we'll do on our honeymoon. We've even gone to the point of discussion positions etc. We discuss our fantasies and fetishes and don't feel bad about it. 

First Question : About the Skype sex, dirty talk & sexual discussions before marriage, would this have any negative impact on our personal lives in the future ? Will it hamper our relationship ? 

Second Question : My fiancee is concerned that her vagina is too small but she still insists for us to do it on the first night. I am concerned that it'll be too stressful for her and I don't want to hurt her, what should we do ? How can we make it easy for her ? How can she check if she really is too small? I've told her and I genuinely will be gentle with her but still I am really scared of hurting her. I am a bungee jumper, by the way, never felt scared about jumping off of extreme heights but I'm afraid of this one thing.

Third Question : We don't want to have a child until about atleast two years into the marriage. But I've seen that society and family in Pakistan behaves stupidly to such decisions. They (read Aunties) start asking if the 'girl' or the 'guy' has a medical problem. How can we overcome this ? Because if some aunty says this about my wife, I'll be furious. Need some ideas to totally avoid this situation. 

Our marriage is planned for a few months from now and I would really appreciate if you can help us by answering the above mentioned questions. Its alot of stress for me. Hoping to hear from you soon. I know that your not a psychologist but I would prefer your words more because we share the same perspective on things, from what I assumed by reading every article on your blog. Since talking about such things with family or close friends would bring instant shame to my name, I am talking to you. Keep up the good work. 

Regards,
*Fayaz

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Hey,

Not to bug you or anything. Just really feeling anxious about the matter I mailed you about. Looking forward to hearing from you soon. 

P.S : please don't mind my reminder mail, as the wedding comes closer, pressure is mounting :/


Regards, 
*F
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Dear Fayaz,

Thank you so much for your email, and your extremely kind words about the blog. Its good to hear from the people who like what I do, sometimes those kind voices get drowned out in the hatemail...

Apologies for the delayed response. I have been busy with things related to publishing the children's book in my previous post - it has been consuming all my time lately. Fingers crossed. 

So lets get started with your email:

"She's a virgin and I am too (kind of). I had only 2 episodes of sex, that too drunken sex at parties both of which ended up in my coming very fast."

'Technically', it doesn't matter how fast you've come - you're still not a virgin. But why should that matter anyway? Don't worry about such minor details - but if she asks, make sure you're honest. Honesty and trust are very important when you're starting out a long term relationship. 

"I have never fought with her and hope that I would never do it. And its the same from her side, if she doesn't like anything I say or do, she just smiles."

This is not necessarily ideal. It shows that you guys are still a little reserved, don't be afraid of a good ol' fashioned argument. Couples have differences at times... and its perfectly natural. Don't resign yourself to an argument-less marriage....when people are passionate, they say what they think... when people are indifferent or uncomfortable they nod and smile. Of course I'm not saying that you should seek arguments... but you will see... when you guys get to know each other a bit more, it may happen organically and its not something to be disappointed by. All healthy couples have disagreements. 

"We discuss our fantasies and fetishes and don't feel bad about it."

And you shouldn't! I mean you're planning to spend the rest of your lives together...I'd recommend that you get to know each other as much as possible before entering into holy matrimony. :P 

"First Question : About the Skype sex, dirty talk & sexual discussions before marriage, would this have any negative impact on our personal lives in the future ? Will it hamper our relationship?"

Of course not! unless you become a judgy asshole out of the blue and start telling her that 'good girls don't do such things' - I really don't see how getting to know each other intimately would have a negative impact, quite the opposite in fact. If for some reason it doesn't work out with you two, remember not to be judgemental and badmouth her, same would go for her of course. I have seen several cases where relationships in Pakistan don't end up in marriage and the guy goes around telling everyone what a 'slut' she was because she was intimate with him before they got married - especially if it ends bitterly...as long as there are no such double standards, or expectations of women to not have a sex drive, then I think you guys are in the clear ;) 

"Second Question : My fiancee is concerned that her vagina is too small but she still insists for us to do it on the first night. I am concerned that it'll be too stressful for her and I don't want to hurt her, what should we do ? How can we make it easy for her ? How can she check if she really is too small? I've told her and I genuinely will be gentle with her but still I am really scared of hurting her. I am a skydiver, by the way, never felt scared about jumping out of a plane from 10,000 feet but I'm afraid of this one thing."

My dear man, what has brought about this concern (especially if she is a virgin)? This is probably not the case. Vaginas are stretchy and can accommodate pushing out something the size of a watermelon (painfully admittedly, what was that about 'intelligent design'?) - so unless you are abnormally well endowed, I don't think that should be an issue. If she's a virgin though, first time sex can definitely be painful to varying degrees. Its never as smooth as the movies, so expect lots of awkwardness. Be prepared with lube, sometimes the stress and pain can cause the vagina to not lubricate itself as well. And most importantly, go slow...lots and lots of foreplay, start penetration with a finger and see how she responds to that. There is no reason why you HAVE to have penetrative sex on your wedding night, so let her know there is no pressure...follow her lead and don't thrust it in at once. Don't be disappointed if all the funky positions you have planned for your first time don't work out - because it usually takes some practice. Watch for visual cues as well, she might want to go through with penetration for your sake - but watch her face to see if she's in pain, she might not verbalize it. Keep communicating with each other throughout, and it should be ok. You sound like someone who really cares about his partner, and wants to make this a special experience for you both. Try not to build it up too much, because that will contribute to the nerves. You have nothing to worry about, its perfectly natural, nothing to be scared of! Good luck! :) 

"Third Question : We don't want to have a child until about at least two years into the marriage. But I've seen that society and family in Pakistan behaves stupidly to such decisions. They (read Aunties) start asking if the 'girl' or the 'guy' has a medical problem. How can we overcome this ? Because if some aunty says this about my wife, I'll be furious. Need some ideas to totally avoid this situation."

Hahaha ok well this is a problem that a lot of ppl have.... no way to avoid it really.... we will always have nosy and annoying relatives that make everything their business. My husband and I get that as well (once from the woman who works at our grocery store). You can just choose to nod and smile, or if you're confrontational, its fun to embarrass them sometimes....you can tell them you're still 'practising' or that you're just really good at using condoms :/  -- don't let anyone bully you into anything. It is yours and your partner's decision, and you will know when you are ready to bring another life into this world. Fuck societal pressures. This is a whole person, you cannot take that lightly and do it just to please other people. 

Good luck with everything, have a wonderful wedding. Remember to communicate openly honestly. Never be afraid to discuss kinks and fantasies....if not with your spouse.. then who? Contraception is super important if you don't want an unplanned pregnancy...so don't take that lightly either! 



-E
xx

Ps - here are some additional posts for added info - remember, knowledge is power.


"I faced problems with premature ejaculation..."  - just incase you're worried about it...