Friday, August 17, 2012

Usman's Story - It doesn't just happen to girls.


So I've been writing about swingers and orgies the last couple of times. It's been interesting...I personally don't have any experience with either - 'cept that I've been invited to some group 'activities' which I have politely declined. Yeah yeah, call me a prude. I just don't have it in me. I'm not a sharer, in that sense. 

Another related incident was when my husband and I went to the 'Everything About Sex Show' in Toronto... (Its really not as exciting as you'd think... a bunch of fancy sex toys for sale... some porn stars on display... and some saggy old nudists on stage..the only thing i bought that day was nailpolish, lol)




So we were just passing by this swinger's club booth...stopped for the sake of curiousity - the guy mistook it for genuine interest. He started chatting with me about how its safe and clean and they have rules.. etc etc... they only let couples in.. and even then they have the right to refuse anyone based just on their appearance...

He looks me and my husband up and down... and says "you two would get in, easy" .... hahah wtf.... I wondered what made him say that.... do we look like swingers? What do swingers look like? Maybe my skirt was too short...maybe its cuz of my piercings and tattoos - those are often the reason for people to jump to conclusions about me. But whatever... it made me laugh. 

We drive past that club sometimes and joke about going in. But its only jokes...seriously, I don't have it in me. 

Definitely not as sexually liberated as Aleena

*       *       *

But now we've talked about the light-hearted stuff, I'd like to get serious again and bring up the un-talked about topic of Child Sex Abuse in Pakistan...It doesn't just happen to girls, here is another story. This time from a male perspective:

Usman, 39, Male

My comments focus on situations where children are left alone with servants or other strangers/maulvis/family members but I think the crux of the problem lies in a lack of sex education in our society and the fact that parents never talk to their children about sex or sexual abuse. There is no equivalent term for "the birds and the bees" in our society and it's sad that they would rather risk their children's safety and future well being in return for living with their comfort zones and taboos. The only sex-ed that takes place is between a mother and her daughter about periods and puberty and some mothers even delay that until their daughters go through a traumatic and unexpected onset of puberty. 

Since boys don't need sanitary pads at age 13, there is no equivalent conversation between fathers and sons about erections, wet dreams, masturbation etc so they learn from the most weirdest and vile sources and go on to have twisted porn based notions of sexuality for the rest of their lives. Even if they are not abused, their mindset about sex and sexual health is pretty skewed.

I've been wanting to share my experience since some time now, since a lot of Pakistani parents leave their children with "trusted" servants or maids or think that their children are playing alone in the afternoon while they sleep. I feel children should not be left alone with anyone for an extended period of time, either inside the house or while being picked up by drivers from school etc. as this is the ideal setup for random or sustained sexual abuse. It just takes a few minutes for something to happen and children don't need to be away for hours in order to be raped. That's something that we all need to realize and be a bit paranoid about.

Parents need to establish an environment where their children are always around them or make sure that they are safely alone inside the home and not accessible by domestic staff or other neighbors, relatives etc. I feel this happens a lot in our society and I know of several people who have gone through similar or worse experiences.

My first "sexual" experience was around the age of 6-7,  where it was a game of "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" with a couple of kids from the neighborhood. They were a year or so younger to me so I felt in control but their servant came once and wanted us to take off our shorts and that felt wrong, so I told them not to do anything in front of the "dirty" servant. We would be sitting in a corner in the summer afternoon and just take down our shorts a couple of inches and feel as if we had done something really naughty and it was our secret, not to be told to any elder. These things always start as harmless "games" and then spiral into something much worse.

The first attempted abuse I encountered was at the hands of my own servant, who was in his mid teens while I must have been 7-8. He told me to come inside his servant quarter so that he could show me his things and once I was inside, he asked me to sit in his lap. He slowly took off my shorts and told me that we will play a special game which I will really enjoy. He then exposed himself and made me sit on his lap without trying anything, since I was getting a bit uncomfortable. I told him that this game was physically impossible, since he was too big to enter me but he said that it will be okay once he is inside. Luckily, he did not try to rape me or force himself too much and tried to enter me "gently", which obviously felt weird and I jumped off and told him I was not interested in this stupid game and ran off. 
I don't remember the exact discussion that we had about keeping the game to ourselves but I did not feel the need to report him to my parents because he had stopped short of entering me. In my mind, he had done something wrong and crossed some line but since I had no physical pain or discomfort after the event, I did not feel as if I had been violated or that I needed to tell any elder in the family, specially since the servant was someone I used to play with on a daily basis.

A few years later when I was 12-13,  another servant who was just a couple of years older to me used to tell me his concepts of "sex-ed" and how babies are born and people have sex in their village etc. The takeaway of these sessions was that a man and a woman could have as much sex as they wanted and never have a baby as long as the woman peed after the act, because the "egg" was flushed out (I'm glad I didn't live my teens based on that assumption). We had also done a "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" a few times and used to lie down next to each other with our pants/shalwar off and just talk "adult stuff", without any physical contact. 

He had gone for a long vacation and came back much healthier than before. When I asked him about it, he said that he had had sex with his cousin in the village and that had given him the "power". The logic was that if you let someone enter you, the magical energy and fluid would enter you and transfer the power to you and make you strong, while the person entering would lose power and become weak. He said that friends took turns doing it but he was doing me a favor by giving all his power to me and not asking for anything in return. I was a bit older and luckily saw through the bullshit and told him that I was not interested. 

I also remembered the discomfort of my first experience and that was not something I was willing to repeat, even though this guy was my age and not so threatening. We ended up lying on top of each other and goofing off and he tried to force himself on me jokingly but I pushed him off and said that this was not on. I think the only thing that saved me was that he was roughly the same age and my "friend" and I could control the situation, otherwise it might have been worse. Had he raped me, I would definitely have told my parents at that age (or so I like to think in hindsight).

Another non-incident that I remember is the most slimy one in terms of childhood memories. I was playing in the lawn and the servant quarter had some guests of a Pathan servant of ours. They were talking in Pushto and just staring at me in a very slimy way, sort of stripping me with their eyes. They asked me to come inside the room and say hello but the vibe I got from them was really creepy. I just went back inside our home but I remember that incident as something that could definitely have ended up in some abuse, since they were outsiders and would not have been as scared as our servant in raping me. I must have been 7-8 years old at that time but the first incident had already occurred so I could relate with someone trying to enter me from the back. I guess once I grew up and got to know the prevalence of child abuse in the NWFP, I must have added some more "intent" to their gaze that day and understood why they were insisting on me coming in instead of them coming out to say hi.

I know my experiences are very minor compared to children who get raped or abused repeatedly but they just show the physical circumstances and situations that lead to larger patterns of abuse. I'm really lucky to escape without any physical or emotional harm and I have no psychological damage due to these incidents. In fact, they've just made me more careful about my own children and I'll hopefully be able to educate them to take better care of themselves in such situations.

My son is 4 so we haven't really discussed anything except for the fact that no one is supposed to touch his private parts or take his clothes off. We don't have a maid yet so it's mostly other female family members taking him to the toilet if both of us are busy.

We take care not to leave him alone with anyone and just stay alert ourselves, instead of scaring him too much. I think we'll be talking to him in a month or so when he starts school.

*         *         *

I think its great that you are teaching your son to be aware of inappropriate behaviour. I think every parent in Pakistan needs to have that talk with their kids. 

And such experiences are never minor in my opinion. Yes, you are truly lucky that you escaped rape almost three times! How horrific is it that so many similar instances can occur in one person's life... always with a different abuser?  I'm sure its not uncommon in Pakistan - multiple cases of abuse, with multiple abusers...happening to the same person. A real-life nightmare.

Its very fortunate indeed, that you feel you weren't psychologically harmed by feeling violated...most people carry it with them forever. As in my case, it was just the brush of a hand and no more but it affects me till today. 

On a more positive note however, we have had celebrities sign the petition, and people from the media show interest...we are also getting some interest from people in 'high places'. Let's hope it goes somewhere in terms of actually getting a Public Service Announcement on the air in Pakistan. (You can sign here) We still have a pathetic number of signatures considering the support we've received. I can only chalk it up to the fact that most of our people are lazy and indifferent about something that isn't affecting them directly. 

We never know how to come together to make a difference, that much is obvious just by the state our country's in. We recently celebrated another year of 'independence', another year of letting pedophiles roam free...

8 comments:

  1. Wowwww nice hands & fingers... Sanwly Saloony is sexy. n

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After this kind of a heartbreaking post... this is the comment you have to make? Holy fuck, so fucking insensitive to other peoples issues, its gotta be NJ. Have a heart you douche.

      Delete
  2. Glad this discussion is taking place. Child sexual abuse is more prevalent in our society than most people would like to accept it is. Mosques and madressahs are some of the obvious places, but domestic abuse by servants, and even relatives is prevalent in random sections of the society. I can confidently say this because I was involved in a bit of research on the same topic several years back, and was surprised to hear how many of people I personally knew had been through abuse.

    What's shocking is that people aren't willing to accept that this is commonplace, shunning it as exaggeration. The response is typical, laced with delusions about the society being too religious and morally aware to allow this to happen.

    Sadly, educated parents, even after they're warned, allow their children to be alone with servants saying that, '..oh, s/he is trustworthy and has been in this house since years'.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Pretty Sad state of affairs, the blogger and supporters are so pathetic that I dont even want to recognize your existence by typing in what I feel and think of your crap.....so I will copy paste my response to another blog with a matching agenda, a bit off but its pretty much related.... before going further....I humbly request you to please please for the sake of god(the one you believe in) stop posting on subjects like these with Pakistan as a topic stop doing that. You have moved abroad and we are happy for you and now that you are there please forget that Pakistan ever existed or you even lived there, this is better for all of us..read on and my answer to the previous person will be enough i guess....

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi,
    As a "typical" PAKI, I was surfing the internet of things and wasting my time while I was supposed to be working....when i came across this website http://www.danceofred.com, now I am not very tech savy (frankly i dont really care where it gets posted, as long as it gets read by the moderator/wanna-be journalist) so please bear with me if this post is on the wrong section of your website/blog.
    Now I understand that you are some kind of journalist whose roots unfortunately are somehow linked to my dreaded country Pakistan. You and your parents tried real hard to get rid of this association by moving abroad, applying for immigration changing your nationality, working their asses off cleaning, washing and what-not after the tissue using crowd, but still it lingers you get called PAKI.....

    So you thought that holding a dual nationality gives you the right to bitch about Pakistan's problems that too on an international forum. You my dear lost that right the very instant you swayed your ass off this land. Still all hope is not lost. You can complain, criticize, and even rebel but only under the condition that you live in Pakistan. You can not even begin to comprehend the problems that we have, why we kill, abduct, rape and extort our very own people.

    Gone are the days when everything that was written got scrutinized, not censored it got scrutinized by editors and people with a little more grasp on the bigger picture, and they discarded crap like material even before it got a second chance.
    And now suddenly every spineless monkey who's got a computer thinks he is doing us a favor by bringing taboo topics, the ills of our society on an international forum. Yes that spineless, coward and traitor is you.....
    There are over million incidents including the most horrific of crimes that occur in numerous parts of world, but they do not surface at least internationally.... those nations are not tagged as extremists, rapists and thugs. On the contrast, one Mukhtaran Mai gets allegedly raped and she becomes the next Mother Teresa, posing for cameras, enjoying the glamor, while wanna-be journalists like you start exaggerating their stories without even thinking of researching, verifying and establishing credibility.
    One very recent example of this act is our famous water-powered vehicle which the bitch-ass media started publicizing without any expert opinion. For you media whores you only need a chance to open your pie-wholes and start making a mess, not even thinking of the effect that it is going to have on people when you move on to the next story. Yes you people seem to find stories faster than they are actually happening. You keep hopping from rape stories to hijab to child abuse, to segregation in buses to water powered vehicles.

    I read a couple of your stories and your replies to other peoples comments and I quote from one of those " am not some regular Paki chick" and furthermore "I will TAKE OFF your manhood" which was the inspiration behind the language used in this post (:p), I will finish with an analogy in a language and setting that will best suit your taste and might make you think even if only for a little while so here it goes

    If your dad fucked your mom up her ass while you fingered your cunt watching the live show, would it be wise of your brother (who a couple of years back moved out and became a tranny, giving BJ's hoping to score crack) to become a journalist like YOU, snap a couple of pictures, start a blog and write about it telling every one in the entire freaking world how liberated have you guys become since you moved to CANADA or where ever the fuck you are, or should he talk to you guys privately in the four walls of your sick twisted home?
    You tell me.....

    Crabman

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. firstly i have never used those lines that u "quote" and secondly if ur going to criticise at least make it relevant to what ur critisizing by not copy pasting a rant u left at another blog. Its sad that u have such little mental capability that you can't even insult something u hate properly. Such mentality shows why Pakistan is where it is today.

      Delete
  5. i agree, Eiynah is just trying to get attention. Yes we have a lot of problems going on but it's not like WE are the only nation with problems. The popes in the Vatican are covered with pedophile scandals and yes if she is so liberal why don't you discuss your own sex life here Or your family's. Besides i think people who don't even live in Pakistan and are not going through the turmoils we are going as a nation have no right to mock us . I really appreciate your effort in trying to give people a platform to air out some injustice they have been through but WHY only Pakistanese? Why not rest of the world too? Or is it that you're deliberately trying to insult us that our neat and clean lives are actually on surface? I must tell you these stories you have are a dozen people out of 18 million and more than half of our population is still conservative and stays 'clean' all their life till they get married and they don't even feel a need to indulge in any 'dirt' you have been taking pride in calling liberalism. And that more than half population, doesn't need you to teach them to be liberal. Besides i dislike your idea about how you think certain things are not right in Islam. Islam is for it's followers and people who don't want to follow it can leave it. I am not a good follower at all but i really disapprove your tweet about a quranic ayat the other day from surah Nisa. Whatever Islam says, is right and is for our own good and if you don't approve of it, i say you better not care enough to challenge it. We are facing griever problems of a falling economy and rising expenses and a common man cares more about how to feed his children and dreams for them to get educated and become 'big' people someday and doesn't give a crap to oral sex . Also with reference to your interview with the pathan guy you raised this point "is your very active sex drive attributed to the fact that you were raised in a very religious environment?" To me, it looks like you are stern on somehow proving that religion makes a person behave like he is behaving, cheating on his wife and cheating his parents too. HOW can he be brought up in s STRICT RELIGIOUS ENVIRONMENT like you mentioned when his cousins are bringing hookers at home? This means he hardly had any strictness in the family! Also how is it justified for him anyway to cheat on his wife like that? why are you not raising a voice about it? suppose it's the wife who had told you the story about her pathan husband what would you have said differently then? Apart from that, i gather you're an empathic person and my comment doesn't mean to offend you personally. peace. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Im sorry you have an intellectual disability. Thats really too bad. Trying to spread awareness and is not really the same as trying to get attention. I am not writing a blog about catholicism... if i was, then I would definitely bring up all the pedophile priests....no one is denying their existence... its just that my blog is about pakistan...try to let that sink in for a second... it is about pa-kis-tan.... does that make it clearer? I cant possibly simplifiy it any further. Also... i hear the childish attitude u have all the time.. "we may have issues but so do other countries... why dont you talk about them?" BECAUSE MY FUCKING BLOG IS ABOUT FUCKING PAKISTAN. And yes im very liberal.... but im not an incestuous freak writing incestuous stroke material. Why the fuck would i discuss my families sex lives here ? And I dont just 'discuss' anyones sex lives for the sake of it... only those who come to me and ask for a voice... a platform of anonymity to let the hurt out.... thats the reason I talk about certain people.... not to give you cheap thrills... to help them heal .. and to help others learn ... to reach out to those who think they might be the only ones facing this type of situation...I talk about sex for one main purpose, awareness/education. So bad shit happens less.... does that idea make it through your thick skull? If not... i can't help you. Unfortunately, hypocrite patriot fanboys like yourself, would love too much to hear any mention of my own sex life...and then it would defeat its purpose of ejumacation. I don't want to enter the stroke material territory. Good Day Sir. Enjoy ur delusional visions of pure pakistan.

    ReplyDelete