Thursday, August 23, 2012

"He tried to perform oral sex on me and told me he thought it was gross"


So the other day I received an email from Fahmida who wanted to share her story. I think its a very important one too.... because I'm sure a lot of women (especially Pakistani), can relate - but they may not have the courage to speak up....So thanks Fahmida for voicing this...you are a brave, strong and wonderful woman. 

Fahmida, 34, Female

I always make the most of what I have been given. I married very young because I fell in love and was so happy he chose me too.

My husband is my first and only sexual partner. I was young and eager to have a physical relationship with him. Just a little uninformed about how much time and patience it would take for me to appreciate my needs and have an honest relationship.

I raised 2 beautiful kids and even though it was tough to work, I tried to give them and our family everything. It did put a strain on our sex life as we had kids so fast. Despite the demands of parenthood we still connected regularly. My body was re-adjusting after giving birth and our experiences were more to satisfy him than me.

He was good to caress me, hold me after and make sure my emotional side was taken care of. Being postpartum, that was essential. Tenderness and gentility are paramount. We spooned a lot in those days as a gentler way to make love.

I breastfed both girls and although it was uncomfortable and awkward to be dripping milk at times, I would expose my breasts and offer them to my husband who expressed that he liked “big boobs”. He also would routinely caress them at night while I slept. Never realizing that the contact would cause me to lactate.

Now that I have lost all the baby weight and my breasts have dramatically reduced in size, I have been told that he prefers me larger. I needed to find other ways to make him happy. Forgetting about myself.

(That right there is where the issues begin I think, whether you're too big or too small, too tall, too short....women are very often held up to unrealistic standards. Yes, we're not all the same size, and telling us that we are 'preferred' one way or another can be incredibly damaging and hurtful. Especially in a 'loving' relationship....)

I started to perform oral sex on him because while I was pregnant I needed an alternative to intercourse. Hand jobs were for teenagers in cars or for desperate times.

(So you didn't have oral sex before you got pregnant? Also, I don't know what your specific pregnancies were like, but for most healthy pregnancies intercourse is ok right till the very end [unless your doctor has specified otherwise]... but yes, I'm sure manoeuvring a giant belly isn't easy, so I totally get how you wouldn't be into penetrative sex during those days) 

He was able to tell me what he wanted and how he liked me to suck his balls. I didn’t like it at first but he was so into it and really enjoyed it. I learned to please him more and actually read an article by a porn star on how your tongue can be your best friend. I almost got a sense of power and thrill at how I could look up at him and see him so in the moment, being intoxicated with pleasure, by me.

(And that's how it should be for both parties involved, there is a sense of pleasure and achievement in satisfying your partner - especially if there is love. Sex that is solely for one's own pleasure, might as well be masturbation...what is the point of connecting with another person in that way if you don't care to see them through to the other side?)

He was so keen for me to go down on him that after the births of our kids, I actually gave him blow jobs in the hospital late at night after the babies were asleep and family was gone.

(Wow, What? How on earth did you have the energy/stamina/desire to do that after doing something fucking excruciating and life-changing like giving birth?! Even physical stamina aside, I imagine one is so emotionally drained that to get yourself in that mindset is a task and a half. The only thing that bothers me about this is if you didn't choose to do this yourself.... if you were in any way pressured into performing oral sex after childbirth...that is not ok. Sure its fine, and incredibly amazing if that's how you yourself were feeling, and chose to express your love in that way, but I'm just having a hard time believing that you or any woman would want to exert herself further, especially in a sexual way *right after childbirth* 

So once again, If you were in any way pressured/coaxed into it - that's a red flag for me.)




He tried to perform oral sex on me and told me he thought it was gross and he actually gagged.

(This breaks my heart. It truly, truly does. No one deserves to have that happen to them. If he doesn't think that you going down on him is gross, then he should be fine with reciprocating. The double standard infuriates me and boggles my mind. I don't think you should put up with it. Honestly, he deserves a taste of his own medicine, if he thinks its gross - then its gross both ways. 

Don't do it any more. You are not his personal sex slave, that lives to please and satisfy him. You are a human being, who deserves to be appreciated too. I don't know how many countless (Pakistani/Desi/Muslim) women suffer through this same issue, my advice to all of them would be to stand up for themselves in the bedroom too. Sex is a very important part of your relationship and if you're not getting respect there, then you will probably not get it in other situations too. That cannot be a very happy way to live. You do not deserve that. If you're a desi man reading this, and you too refuse to 'travel south', then you should have the same standards when it comes to your own pleasure.  No cunnilingus (should) = No Fellatio. You got that? None of this double standard bullshit.)

I decided to take matters into my own hands- literally. After he finished and was washing up in the bathroom or showering, I would (and still) masturbate. I did not orgasm after our sex sessions but moaned and pretending to finish as to not hurt his ego.

(I hate to say this, because you do sound like you really love him - but maybe its time to stop caring about hurting his feelings, he certainly doesn't have any issue hurting yours)

I have a nice figure and have enjoyed dressing up in the privacy of our room for him: mini skirts, strapless dresses, lacy bras, beaded thongs, garter belts and leather boots. I had been advised that good wives dress up for their husbands. So I did.

(You sound like an amazing person who is willing to try anything to please the person she loves, but these things have to be reciprocated... there isn't much point if one person tries and tries... and eventually burns out)

Only after a huge fight did I address that he looked sloppy and disgusting in shorts and a ripped t-shirt while I looked like I was going to a club, so could HE make an effort? Just his penis wasn’t doing enough for me.

It was the first time I had vocalized any preference in the bedroom.
I have continued to enjoy dressing up and even discussed the possibility of role playing. He decided that it was beyond his mental bandwidth. Translated: “Too much work. Far easier to have wife in a tight, white blouse, black miniskirt, no underwear with patent-leather 4 inch heels, sucking on my dick”.

(If you enjoy it, that's great...dressing up and feeling good about it can do wonders for your self-esteem. But let me get this straight, so you vocalized the issue and he just brushed it off... and yet you continued to do everything in your power to please him? My dear, sweet Fahmida, thats not going to work for too long, because you are a mere mortal. You can't just keep going endlessly, at some point you will break...don't let that happen to yourself.)

I decided to empower myself and dress up for me. I have worked hard on my body and am often told I appear to be 10 years younger than I am. I will get dolled up and appreciate my ass in lacy, black, brazilian-cut panties.

After being married for a decade, I turned 30 and felt my body start to yearn for physical completion. My body was urging touch, taste, feel and sound in a sometimes aggressive manner. I didn’t feel so gentle and tender anymore. I wanted to grab him, suck, be held, struggle and claw, tie him up and let him watch. I wanted him to hold me up against a wall, use his tongue unabashedly and maybe even turn me over and go at me from the back, side, legs up, sideways, straddle on a chair, on the stairs... I really am open to trying new things out.

(Any man would be lucky to have you, and I'm sure some of the ones reading are wishing they did, for realz.)

We don’t live in a joint family so we have privacy to have sex anywhere. Just as long as the girls are not around or awake to witness.

I told him that I enjoyed him coming home after working out and having perspired. For some reason I enjoyed tasting the salty-ness of his sweat. He replied that it was “gross” and he needed to shower before having sex.

I realized my preferences may not be honoured but I kept pressing the issue.
For my voice and needs to be recognized was/is so important.

I am open to trying new positions to escape the boring, missionary-style sex. I really couldn’t enjoy being on top until after the girls were born. I was too tight and although confident in my personality- still very shy in my sexuality.

My first *enjoyable* experience being on top was an epiphany. It was the first time I had an orgasm after 5 years of marriage. We had tried before it was never comfortable for me and I was too stiff to relax.

(So the first time you ever had an orgasm was after 5 years of being married? Or an orgasm through penetrative sex you mean?)

Now, my favourite position is being on top but it poses a difficulty for my husband. He is “too aroused” by me on top and cums too quickly.

(Tell him to try 'relieving' himself earlier in the day, beforehand..that might help him last longer)

So, I am laid on my back and pounded for less than a minute and have to make sounds pretending that I am in the throws of ecstasy.

(You don't have to just lie there and fake it you know, you should address this issue. If he can't be hard for longer than a minute, there are doctors and things for that. If he's not comfortable with that... then he has to be open to pleasing you in other ways... I think its time you let him know that one minute of pounding ain't doing shit. That's why he has a tongue and 10 fingers, and all the toys in the world available to please his partner.)

Even him being behind me is not possible because he says I am too lubricated and he gets soft.

(You being *too* lubricated makes him soft? Thats the first time I've heard that...?)

After 16 years and I am still devoted... but I have to draw the line.

I have been sexually starved for far too long. In the last 2 years I have orgasmed maybe a dozen times.

That is even after having sex at least 4-5 times a week. Frustrating is an understatement.

(After 2 kids and 16 years of marriage, you have sex 4-5 times a week?! On the surface that sounds amazing...but if each time its sex without orgasm, I can understand your frustration. The term 'blue balls' exists for men... I wonder if they even have an equivalent term for women)

I love my husband. He loves me. Neither of us has ever strayed even though opportunity has
arisen.

I have started demanding longer, better sex where I feel I need it. I want penetration to last more than 40 seconds if and when he is able to stay hard.

I want mutually fulfilling foreplay - not always me giving him a blow job so he can get hard.

I also want to create equality in our bed. Where I can talk dirty and he not be offended by my forwardness. His manhood is thrusting in me so I think it’s OK for me to say “fuck me longer- harder” in a gentle and pleading whisper.

(Wait, he's offended by your dirty talk? Wtf! If he's a particularly religious man (and I'm getting the sense he is), maybe you could look up stuff from the more 'progressive' Islamic schools of thought. Where lots of regular sex stuff is ok as long as you are in a *hetero-marriage* No anal, but hey...at least there will be some supporting religio-stuff to quote and study together? Have you tried speaking to him about this? That its something you like to do? Seems to me like he cuts you off every step of the way...your needs and desires don't seem to be of *any* importance to him... and that indicates a deeper problem...one that goes beyond the sexual realm. Huge red flag.)

I want to be able to climb on top of him and grind with clothes on just to excite myself without him looking embarrassed and awkward.

(He sounds like he's super oldschool... is he 98?)

I want to be told “YES!” when I want to get laid as opposed to “I have a squash game early tomorrow and need to rest”; just like when I was exhausted and still made efforts to please out of love.

I want him to go to a doctor like I have requested umpteen times and get himself checked out so he can retain an erection and not just get soft as blood is pumping through my body and I am about to explode. .

I want him to try harder to please me even if it makes him gag. Or think about getting toys that may do the trick in a non-intimidating and sensual manner.

I can bring a magazine article or book and not be seen as “besharam” (shameless).

(I'm so sorry that he has an issue with almost everything sexual, unless its *his* needs being taken care of. I'm sure that there are thousands of women out there in similar situations. It makes me wonder about your husband though.... what makes him so uncomfortable about sex, with his own wife? Do you think its possible he had some kind of awful experience earlier in his life that is affecting him this way? Do you think it's the values he's learned from traditional religious control on sexuality?)

Acquiring a lover is too much work and morally wrong to me. It is also too many logistics and uncertainty.

Getting an escort to meet my needs is not something I would consider. Ever.

Perhaps my options are limited. I love my partner, our family and what we have built. But my body is  screaming and urging me to address this issue and get myself taken care of.

There is love in marriage. There is compassion. There is sharing. There is compromise. There is generosity. All under the umbrella of sexual fulfillment. And I am entitled to it. I deserve it.

*       *       *

You articulate it so well, you definitely deserve it - and I think it's getting to a point where you need to address it or something will snap... it seems like things are at a tipping point right now. My advice to you would be an open, honest conversation. Sure, feelings will be hurt, he may be shocked...appalled even, at your 'shamelessness' and forwardness about female sexuality. But you need to address this pronto. I don't feel like you guys are on the same page about this at all. That misalignment of values could lead to something much bigger in the future.

I have received several emails about Oral sex and how it plays out in our culture, so I will be posting those soon too. But for now, my heart goes out to you Fahmida - you sound like the most caring and amazing wife, please don't continue to put yourself through this.

*       *       *

Update: It seems Fahmida's husband somehow figured out this story was about him (crap), despite details being changed. :/  Please remember folks, to clear 'paper trails' (e-trails) to my blog if your computer/phone is not private.

He left this comment below:

Oh Enemies of yourselves. Be mindful of Allah and be mindful of the day you have to stand before Allah and recount the time you've wasted, for it is time you will not get back.

This is "Fahmida's" husband. Your comments are sad reflection of privileged first world problems, as is her one-sided and highly inaccurate account. "Selective Memory" is a terrible problem, but in no matter do I care for a rebuttal.

What I do care for is to remind myself first and then you that these are matters to be decided upon. 

Decide if you want to bear with patience and work through, or decide for divorce, which "Fahmida" knows full well she's been offered many times.

But decide, then move on. You have been given permission by your Lord to decide and move on.

You have not been given permission to indulge and write, and gossip and plot and plan and complain publicly.

Learn about your Deen. And learn one of the biggest responsibilities of our time here on earth is to spread the message of Islam and help those who TRULY are in need.

Not to endulge online in first world problems. Yes, many Muslim Women are sexually unsatisfied. Guess what, many Men are too. Fantastic. Now decide what you want to do and MOVE ON.

Take advantage of whatever you can of this temporary existence so you can actually get somewhere great (Jannah).


But if you can't move on from these online drugs (blogs, twitter, facebook, porn sites). Then at least do yourself a favour and spend time on-line finding out what the Prophet (pbuh) and his beloved Companions (ra) did in regards to sex, relationships, etc.
Umm...seriously? Like marry six year olds? Consider puberty to be the age of consent? 

At least that way you may be able to say you "spent" your time wisely. For they were the ones we know for sure to have been successful.

We can't say the same for those around us. It may be that Fahmida is a woman of Paradise married to a man of Hell. Why does she want sexual satisfaction from a man of Hell?

What does any of this article matter then?

Or vice versa.

Don't be enemies of yourself. You have an ETERNITY to worry about. Move on, and worry about it, rather then the temporary goods of your time here.

I pray to Allah for Guidance and Forgiveness for us all.

Assalamu alaikum, Anon.


I kinda assumed he was a fundie, sigh. It disturbs me when people put greater value on an unproven afterlife than the life they are currently *actually* living in.  I am also amused by how he equates twitter and blogs with porn. 

Poor Fahmida. My heart goes out to you. 


33 comments:

  1. Can't for the life of me understand what his problem is. Oral (giving and receiving) is far too erotic for me to forego. I've been with girls who've thought it disgusting, but it's such a sensuous interaction, I wouldn't mind carrying on for hours.

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  2. pakistani fundamentalistAugust 23, 2012 at 8:16 AM

    I 100% agreed with Fahmida. But I would strongly advise her not to risk her marriage by doing anything drastic ..

    May be your husband is not a good listener or you are not able to say all this to him. whatever the case , I would suggest get him to read what you wrote above ( with some editing of course) .. may be that would get him to understand ... its a very good write up of your feelings

    and agreed with nicemangoes here too ... "ANY" guy would be a lucky to have a wife like you ..

    I wish/pray I get such loving, caring, faithful, sexually adventurous wife too :)

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  3. There's no addressing an issue with local men, too stuck up to listen, too proud to understand or agree. What she needs is to somehow express disinterest. Being one of those typical desi men, I won't fix it till it's broken nor will I bother to fix it when I'm told to; I must see it broken and must miss it to bother with the fixing (but that's just me).
    May be tell him how to go down somehow? He doesn't really have to get too deeply involved, or shove his entire face in there. Tongue on the magic button and fingers where they belong should also do the trick.
    P.s. The article is very nicely written.

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  4. Its sad to read about this and think... this is probably not an exception.... most desi women probably just think this is normal... and that sex is basically for the man... So I'm glad that Fahmida is voicing her concerns. That being said, I totally think she needs to address the issue. Either stop pleasuring him or demand the same. Go for it girl. You really deserve it!

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  5. Alright everyone, back off a minute here.

    Fahmida, I've read this post as impartially as possible and I've come to the conclusion the problem may not lie with your husband being a pr*ck so much as his pr*ck per se, if you know what I mean.

    No man or woman can resist all the kinds of erotic temptations you've tried on your husband. It's true there is something for everyone, but he seems to pull reasons out of thin air to avoid sex...or to make up excuses for his own physical response (or lack thereof.) Lubrication makes him soft? No hon, more likely he wants to deny he can't maintain an erection while he's inside you.

    You mentioned yours is a love marriage, and that he was very emotionally attentive to you during as well as after pregnancy. That gives me an idea of his personality. You also say you have sex 4-5 times a week. I'm guessing it's consensual, and I'm guessing he doesn't start each session with the malicious intent to deprive you of orgasms. So it's not that he doesn't try. It's that he can't. He seems to mask his sense of failure with callousness, emotional avoidance, growing discomfort with sex and your expressions of sexuality--do you sometimes feel as if he's pretending not to hear you when you talk about your needs? You may be right; he seems to be refusing to listen to what he already knows inside. He knows he can't satisfy you (with his penis), so he would much rather pretend that:
    a)you have no desires, no need to satisfy in the first place;
    b)everything is fine down there;
    c)and there is no alternative (eg oral sex on you) because resorting to that would be like admitting defeat, acknowledging there is something 'wrong' with his 'manhood'.

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  6. [cont'd]

    Sexual dysfunction can be caused by a variety of reasons--psychological as well physical. It can also be the symptom of more dangerous health problems, such as diabetes. Psychologically, it can even be part of a vicious cycle: fear, shame, and guilt from one episode can lead to another episode, which can lead to more fear, shame and guilt.

    'Sense of failure', you ask? Why all this hoopla over something that is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable expression of love and passion? Surely he should know and understand that his mere penis itself is not of paramount importance to your sexual pleasure, or to your love for him as a sexual partner? That you would be just as happy, even happier in fact, if he could truly be a partner to you in spirit and not just physically--by being a part of your sexual adventuring, being willing to try out new things for your sake, being emotionally honest and sexually expressive...instead of focusing so much on the minutes he can last that he prefers to 'fix' the problem by avoiding sexual positions that you both find more arousing?

    Well Fahmida, you can see a hint of the answer in this blog post too: even Eiynah, who is a sex-positive feminist I respect and who knows better than to make ageist comments or judgements about someone's apparent lack of libido, couldn't refrain from writing "He sounds like he's 68, is he?"

    His 'mere penis' isn't treated as so 'mere' by our culture/society and even (since we've grown up in this culture) by ourselves, whether consciously or subconsciously. We're quick to spot when a woman's worth is unfairly hinged upon, say, her breast size, but what about the overglorification of that 'fasaad ki jar' (pun intended), that fleshy appendage both heralded and usurped by patriarchy? Wherein a man is only a man so long as he has a working penis, and an impotent man is reviled as 'over the hill', 'sissy' and so on?

    Faking orgasms and denial is getting you two nowhere, literally as well as figuratively. I suggest you talk to him about erectile dysfunction. Avoid making point-blank statement such as "Just his penis wasn't doing enough for me." He is probably all too aware of that, and may also already feel unworthy of you because of this. Reassure him of your love, respect and support for him as your life partner. Tell him what you've told us; you didn't marry him for his penis and you refuse to leave him/cheat on him because of it either. You two are in it for the long run--so you owe it to yourselves and to the family you've built together to get this issue looked into and dealt with as best as possible.

    Marriage counseling and/or visiting a psychologist may help too, in addition to seeing a medical doctor to rule out more organic causes.

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  7. My comment about him sounding like he's 68 was not in reference to his lack of libido. I don't think he has a lack of libido since they have sex 4-5 times a week. The comment was more in reference to his awkwardness and embarrassment when she tries to do 'naughty' things with him that aren't the conventional missionary (see the line i wrote it under)..lets be realistic here, in desi society - (especially) the older generations were raised to think of sexuality as something dirty and something that shouldnt be expressed. You get in, get the job done and get out. You do not linger in that filthy moment.. That, dear F. was the mentality I was referring to. That's what makes him sound old. not the fact that he doesn't last long.

    But that being said I appreciate your comment.. it's very well thought out and offers some great advice. Tho I doubt he'd be open to seeing a doc or a shrink, since shes already asked about the doc several times. I do feel that you're being unnecessarily sympathetic towards him...even if he can't maintain an erection for long..if he truly cared about pleasing his wife he'd make a little more effort through other means. Sure that might mean coming to terms with something like erectile dysfunction, but at least he'd show a little more concern about someone other than himself.

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    1. Edited that to 98, in hopes of making my point re: old fashioned values around sexuality, better

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  8. I had a few thoughts as I was reading the post.

    Here is my male perspective:

    You’re an amazing wife. Anyone would be lucky to have you.

    He was happy to get oral sex in a hospital: doesn’t seem uncomfortable with sex, not much of a prude. Discomfort with dirty talk does hint at some conservatism.

    He tried to perform oral sex, and gagged: Although he should really get over it, and I, as a third person, would love to be flippant and suggest an oral-sex hartal, until he comes around, not sure that would be constructive. If he can’t bring himself to enjoy that, and is genuinely repulsed by it due to strong mental hiccups, I am not sure trying to force the situation would help. If the problem is for lack of effort, then hartal all the way. It’s for you to decide which it is, and what the appropriate response should be. But, like someone above pointed out, tongue on the button and fingers should do more than enough and shouldn’t really be making anyone gag.

    I hate the double standard about oral sex performed on men being alright but the same thing on women being gross. It doesn’t exist much in the west, but is pervasive in South Asia. I’ve met so many desi women who are absolutely comfortable with the idea of fellatio, but consider cunnalinga linga lis (what an awkward word; half the problem is probably the word itself) gross.

    Re: faking pleasure, it’s a little bit (very) vexing. If you’re not enjoying it, you shouldn’t have to pretend or think that you need to pretend. Breaks down the whole feedback mechanism. If he’s shit, he better know. By faking it, you not only not letting him know that he’s doing it wrong, you’re also taking away the incentive that might work in making him be more mindful of your needs.

    Seems like a decent person in other aspects of your relationship: comforting, plus you seem to be happy with him and haven’t mentioned any nonsexual complaints. But seems like a douche when it comes to the sexual part.

    You shouldn’t have to suffer through blue bartholins (this is never catching on).

    If you have to keep performing oral sex for him to get it up again then maybe Viagra is an option. It’ll reduce the refractory period, and help if he does suffer from a dysfunction.

    Also, I think the first piece of advice that everybody should be given if they are ejaculating too quickly is to take a look at how you’re doing it. Legs spaced apart for both will generally make you last longer; and vice versa. If missionary is how he is doing it, tell him to adopt a lower stance. You (a man) should pretty much be able to control when you ejaculate. If you’re a dude and you have your legs spaced out during the act, you’ll generally be able to keep going, and if you’re a female, tightness of the fit will vary by what position the legs are in. He should definitely be able to last longer after the first go – second, third, whatever. Maybe have oral-sex before the other forms. Taking a sip of wine, or spirits (if you’re cool with that) will also help. If none of this makes a difference, then I’d be surprised if there wasn’t a dysfunction at play.

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  9. Reading a blogpost about someone doesn’t really make me feel like I know the person. We’re all mixed bags, and there might so much else about him that redeems him. There is also the fact that this is the perspective of the person who is sexually unsatisfied, and the conversations recounted are from that perspective, and that the post doesn’t talk much about facets other than the sexual. The fact the you are an intelligent, and strong woman, very aware of your needs and rights, but are still happy with your marriage and husband, other than the sexual side - obviously, makes me think that he might actually be a good husband in other aspects of the marriage. I would love to go all, “you go girl, go on a strike, show him how it is, hartal hartal!” but a nuanced approach is probably much more helpful for you and your marriage.

    While a lot of what F. has written is a well-reasoned, and probably accurate, appraisal of what is happening, his refusing to dress up a little, and to give oral sex and etc does offer evidence of some chauvinism. Again, this is not a binary. His erection issues might play in to it as well, but if you do have issues, for you not to address them when you know your partner has been doing his/her best to resolve things, and has been unhappy, requires a little bit of callousness. I don’t believe that this means that he is like that in all aspects, but it might be a product of the engrained gender roles that we learn growing up in Pakistan.

    IMHO, as suggested above, maybe getting him to read what has been written is the best solution ( without informing him that this was posted on a blog). Counselling is a good idea but men are much more likely to be accepting of it in the west (and even then, not very). I don’t envision many Pakistani men, especially the traditional lot, caring to air out sexual problems in front of a third-party, no matter how professional a capacity it is in.

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    1. You're completely right there Mackers, it is only one perspective, but there are little indicators throughout this story that point in a certain direction. Sure an Oral strike/hartal may not be constructive... but I don't think she should do it for someone who isnt willing to put in any effort for her. Simply because its unjust that one person keeps trying to please the other and the recipient just sits back and enjoys the show. Its time to stop because he's often hurtful to her and he just doesnt deserve that kind of one sided good treatment all the time. But of course, this is just an opinion... I am no expert in the matter. So its obviously up to her to decide what to do. The fact that he was given a BJ at the hopspital kind of disturbs me, because I don't know if she was pushed to do it or if it was her idea. Honestly, I can't see how any woman would do that on her own, in the described circumstances.

      he 'could' be a totally awesome person... but I personally doubt it. Selfishness in the bedroom is most likely translated into other aspects of life. Of course as you and F. both say, he could totally be reacting because of his own physical issues...but again, this is no way to treat your wife who tries so hard. Physical issue or not. Anyhoo, you've given them some great practical advice... i have no idea how well it works since I'm not a guy... :P But you were pretty spot on about the female position too. And generally I thought that guys last longer when women are on top, since they arent in control of the thrusting... but i guess not always. Thanks for your comment.

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    2. As I wrote above, I completely agree that if it is for lack of effort then strike all the way. If he does, however, have a genuine psychological problem with being able to do that, then forcing the situation will create other unwanted issues. I don’t imagine women enjoying a sour-faced man going down on them. Fahmida will have to judge which one it is.

      I am also very suspicious of the BJ at the hospital and would be very surprised if it was voluntarily offered. You should never have to do that, and if the partner is not understanding of that then that’s not a person you want to be with. If it was a mere request and she felt comfortable obliging, then that is between them.

      I would think selfishness in the bedroom translates to other aspects as well. But, there are hints that this situation is more complicated; the fact that he was supportive and comforting when she was postpartum, and was thoughtful enough to spoon as a way of making love shows a less insensitive side of him. If a person who showed signs of abuse, someone who didn’t recognize his/her own natural rights came up to me and told me that the partner was a wonderful person, I would of course take that with many grains of salt. Here, Fahmida not only comes across as intelligent, but also very clued up on her needs and rights. Then, the fact that she is unhappy in the sexual relationship with her partner but indicates that she is happy with him and her marriage, in other respects, leads me to believe that he just might have redeeming qualities. Especially if you consider some of the nicer things that have been mentioned about him. But, as I have written above, for a husband to see his wife unhappy, trying very hard to resolve things, and not do something about it, requires a little bit of callousness.

      There are things that puzzle me about his sexual proclivities. You’re right, it’s easier to maintain an erection if you’re not thrusting, and therefore, the woman being on top should be a position where you last longer. It could be the case that the position is new, novel and exciting and is making you reach climax faster than normal. But that should wear out after the first couple of times, and you should not be climaxing any faster than other positions (unless you’re still the one doing the thrusting). Basically, one would normally do well in going by the advice so cogently articulated by the lady here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5z5Mvyp1QHw

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    3. hahah and here i was expecting some instructional video :P

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    4. It is instructional. 37.2% of all I know about sexuality is from this video.

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  10. Beautifully articulated by Fehmida. (Exceptionally).

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  11. Eiynah, we aren't exactly working with hard numbers here, no pun intended this time. There have been no surveys into the sex lives of Pakistanis over 50 (or 68, as you specifically said) and no objective studies. Given the attitude of our societies in general, I also doubt that any of us has ever had a mixed-gender and/or multi-age group sit-down and talked about sex.

    So let's face it, we're going by looks. The older generations present a veiled face to us, bound by the secrecy of age and family hierarchy. We don't question it. We read about elderly men marrying young women, we read about aging Afghan warlords trading trading military intelligence for Viagra, we know historically men have been encouraged to enjoy sex regardless of age (just as women have been taught to abhor it, regardless of age), that 'The Kama Sutra' and 'The Perfumed Garden' have been around for centuries, but we still assume our grandparents aren't up to anything. Why?

    You write a blog about the sex lives of Pakistanis. You know better than most people that looks can be deceiving, that conservative (people, cultures) can also reveal some very interesting sexual experiences, and that Pakistanis certainly didn't discover sex in the last decade (or even the last five, for that matter). How many sexually active people our age do you know who say they will put aside their favorite kinks once they cross 60?

    As I see it, the only way to put this to rest is if we can find an elderly person willing to give an interview to Nice Mangos. But till then, I'd rather believe age is no barrier to sexual tastes. I know plenty of vanilla-lovin' twenty-year olds, and I'm willing to bet there are just as many sixty-eight year olds who love doing something as 'kinky' as...dry humping. (Which is the context you made this comment in.)

    P.S. Btw, there ARE some kind of case studies about the sex lives of people in the subcontinent/India and Pakistan. The ones I've read have all been part of a textbook of Community Medicine, and I don't know how reliable they may be, but the chapter itself makes for an interesting read. I could send you scans.

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    1. Sure send me the scans. Id be interested in reading em. You're obviously a person that knows not to jump to conclusions in these situations. And that is very wise, globally speaking, what you're saying is definitely applicable. I agree.

      But in terms of the specific geographic location we're speaking about I'd beg to differ.I have actually had older ppl speak to me about their sex lives, (of course there are always exceptions) none of which are comfortable making an appearance on the blog. But lets just say I have heard enough from several Pakistani women over 50 (definitely not enough to call it an academic study by any means, but i say this time and time again - I never intend for this blog to be that)...and they all say the same thing, their male partners are ashamed to talk about sex with them. They are scandalized when the woman expresses desire, and they are most certainly not open to things like dirty talk etc, unless the man himself initiates it and the woman acts all shy about it. They are not cool with it being the other way around...The general mentality I come across is that that kind of open display of sexuality doesn't come from a 'good woman'...only whores want sex that bad. The younger generations of men I speak to however, do not hold this view as often. Thats where my comment was coming from. Surely this isn't the first time you've heard this?

      Like I said earlier, of course there are exceptions, of course there are desi grandparents out there that love to get it on in all types of kinky ways (kinky is obv subjective too...)but that is not the norm, that much I'm sure of. One should never judge a book by its cover, I completely agree with you there.... but when you've heard it time and time again... its hard not to make the assumption that certain things are common behaviour. Its as Mackers says, "...but it might be a product of the engrained gender roles that we learn growing up in Pakistan." And the further back we go in time, the stronger those gender roles are.

      It might be wishful thinking to say that there are just as many 68 yr olds doing somthing kinky as there are 20 yr olds. And its not necessarily their age. Its the time they are coming from. There was less exposure outside their cocoon of traditional values. You miss my point here,

      "How many sexually active people our age do you know who say they will put aside their favorite kinks once they cross 60?"

      Because people my age are exposed to a hell of a lot more of the world than someone who is 68 currently.

      Anyhow, I do appreciate you very relevant and well thought out comments. I do wish that someone over 50 would agree to do the interview, because that would definitely give a lot of people insight.

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  12. Also, yes, I realize I may be a bit more sympathetic towards him than most people. And I assure you, I'm no saint--my first response to his obstinacy wasn't sympathy. But people don't always respond 'ideally' to stress and I've been through a lot of psychological turmoil myself--I can spot the signs of when it begins to wear on person, making them behave in increasingly unpleasant ways esp that they didn't to before. In my experience, the best way to deal with an internally troubled person is empathy. I would personally not say anyone is owed anything (even if they are) least of all when the other person is in such a condition. Anyway, it's a sensitive matter among two life partners. I hope Fahmida and her husband are able to deal with it successfully, together.

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  13. I think...I must come from a very horny clan then.
    Explains so much. :P

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  14. I think the term for female blue balls is 'blue clit' - it's just not as commonly used and doesn't have the same ring to it (bartholins isn't exactly the right part of the vagina unfortunately). Some of the advice given here is great and although there are many men, from both western and eastern cultures, who act this way and don't deserve to be so spoilt, it seems like this problem will never end unless some miracle gives these amazing women's voices some power and their partners the ability to listen.

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  15. Oh Enemies of yourselves. Be mindful of Allah and be mindful of the day you have to stand before Allah and recount the time you've wasted, for it is time you will not get back.

    This is "Fahmida's" husband. Your comments are sad reflection of privileged first world problems, as is her one-sided and highly inaccurate account. "Selective Memory" is a terrible problem, but in no matter do I care for a rebuttal.

    What I do care for is to remind myself first and then you that these are matters to be decided upon.

    Decide if you want to bear with patience and work through, or decide for divorce, which "Fahmida" knows full well she's been offered many times.

    But decide, then move on. You have been given permission by your Lord to decide and move on.

    You have not been given permission to indulge and write, and gossip and plot and plan and complain publicly.

    Learn about your Deen. And learn one of the biggest responsibilities of our time here on earth is to spread the message of Islam and help those who TRULY are in need.

    Not to endulge online in first world problems. Yes, many Muslim Women are sexually unsatisfied. Guess what, many Men are too. Fantastic. Now decide what you want to do and MOVE ON.

    Take advantage of whatever you can of this temporary existence so you can actually get somewhere great (Jannah).

    But if you can't move on from these online drugs (blogs, twitter, facebook, porn sites). Then at least do yourself a favour and spend time on-line finding out what the Prophet (pbuh) and his beloved Companions (ra) did in regards to sex, relationships, etc.

    At least that way you may be able to say you "spent" your time wisely. For they were the ones we know for sure to have been successful.

    We can't say the same for those around us. It may be that Fahmida is a woman of Paradise married to a man of Hell. Why does she want sexual satisfaction from a man of Hell?

    What does any of this article matter then?

    Or vice versa.

    Don't be enemies of yourself. You have an ETERNITY to worry about. Move on, and worry about it, rather then the temporary goods of your time here.

    I pray to Allah for Guidance and Forgiveness for us all.

    Assalamu alaikum, Anon.

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  16. Reminds me of HER words... Men Choosa nahi lagati woh kam kion keron jo Kutta bhi Kutti ke sath nahi kerta !

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  17. Story of my life... makes me wonder what I can do though without offending them... because they become completely deaf to anything but the bruises to their ego.

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    1. Oh no! Im sorry to hear you're in a similar situation... but all I can say is please communicate with your partner..do it gently, playfully, kindly... but the longer you let this go on... the more you'll resent them later. Don't be in that position. All the best!

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  18. I have just started reading the blog that I came accross accidently and I am not much of Blogger but I would like to add a bit to it...
    Being married is a mutual agreement by two partners and its the desire of both to be satisfied properly. Many things written here do trigger lot many questions and F. and Mackers have said enough and really to the point of actually understanding the problem. My opinion is that if you both are facing problem te best idea would be to sit down and talk as it will surely resolve many problems and second thing is that if e is facing problem try cut the count down to twice a week.

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  19. While Fahmida deserves sympathy, there are equal number of cases where opposite happens... female partners who like oral but don't give it in return.. are reluctant to try new things, etc.

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  20. same me man give oral receives nada

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  21. An interesting blog, and an interesting subject. Personally, I like to please my woman and her pleasure enhances mine. If she likes getting licked, I would be perfectly happy to do it.

    But the issue of oral sex is not limited to men alone. I know a woman who likes receiving it a lot but refuses to give it. I guess there are hangups about sex among many in the subcontinent (I'm an Indian), and also some selfishness.

    Fahmida's husband is lucky and does not know it. If I were him, I'd pin her to the wall everyday, with my mouth between her thighs.

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  22. @Fehmida
    I am a Pakistani male 35
    I have offered my comments on Pakistani and Cunnulingus story.
    Let me share a few realities if it comforts you
    You are an amazing women raising a family and its seems having a complete "package"
    Best of all have feelings of true love for your seemingly selfish/too busy to care, husband and best part is you dont intend betraying him as an option.
    Being married is a bundle of compromises and let me share a few i did,
    Being a Leo and some what egoistic it was my obsession to Please a women and feel good about it. it had more to do with my mental satisfaction than physical needs (as you know better we men need a minute to shred our loads and go to sleep..)
    Seven years ago i started my arranged married life with what you explained, short foreplays and 30 second actions.
    i never received a complaint although i cud sense that i was giving NOT orgasms (or any type of satisfaction to my woman she never knew what those were)...
    After our first child i decided to change..
    Browsed the internet to increase my stamina and time,
    and i learned a few tricks (PC muscle and butt squeeszing ex) that cud make me last longer i.e half and hr or more (YES! MY MALE FRIENDS IT CAN BE DONE) with penetration but less pounding ( i hope you under stand what i mean)
    As i result i gave orgasms at times 3 or 4 in one session...
    BUT HERE IS THE REAL DEAL
    Those orgasms remained thankless...
    My use of tongue/saliva during kisses was labeled as gross ( it may have some thing to do with lack of true Love)
    My offer to go down on her was rejected as Un hygenic and sick, going down on me was labled pshyco and out of question( My offer for cunnulings was unconditional)
    orgasms i gave her were not admitted although i cud feel them..
    seeing porn is labelled as cheating...and shameful
    we start with missionary dont loose connection convert to side then queen and end at missionary but ONLY WHEN she is not in a hurry to get it over with...
    Sounds Pathetic!!!
    But this is how it is....
    I shared this all as i want you to realize that compatibility issues are part of marriage deals specialy in arranged marriage, where you cannot differenciate between need for companionship or existance of true love...
    Although it wont comfort you, as your story just made me see the other side of pic.
    But if you realize the other side may be it is good for you

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    1. Thanks for sharing your story.... Its sad that you and your partnr don't seem to find a 'connection' perhaps this has something to do with it being an arranged marriage, though I have seen arranged marriages turn into 'love' as well. I don't think accepting it as a part of married life is a healthy way to look at it... you will fel helpless and defeated and perhaps resentful which will compound the lack of connectivity u mentioned above.... perhaps you can start off by just trying to talk it out... it seems your wife isn't exposed to alternate versons of female sexuality.... only the version where she must be pure and chaste... and barely sexual. So maybe you can take baby steps in exposing her to this side. Reassure her that having desires is perfectly natural for anyone and everyone. And if she feels otherwise it is a result of socialization and cultural expectations. Baby steps so as not to overwhelm her with information.... maybe you can show her some informative websites... maybe you can read stories... maybe you can even show her stories from her own culture... dont mean to self-promote, but find something that she might relate to on this blog and share it with her... being from Pakistan she might relate better. Good luck... its not going to be easy, but i think communication is key.... never give up on communication.

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  23. open relationship or get rid of the guy .. but *only* after a lot of focused communication

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